NEWS FOR 8-31-2004
WOOT! Last update for the month. Id like to thank stupidity, for without which, I would have no site. Lets see here, been occupied. There isn't a lot of talk, what with all my guys stuck on guard duty. I thought I'd break it out in this little Morale Meter -0- Death:



As you can see, there is a little dissention. We're not like te idiots on the news though, we all realize the greater good to our mission and presence. That's not the issue. The issue is, why do my guys have to mop a tent floor in the desert 4 times a day? The answer is simple. I just don't know what the hell it is. And speaking of dumb rich chicks, how about the whole booing of Kerry's "daughters"? I would say they aren't his, but they're butt ugly. My dad is right, there is hope for America's Youth. Thank god for Playstation. Archving this page tomarrow. Pirate Flag Pics soon to come.



NEWS FOR 8-30-2004
The pirate flag was put on the mux antenna, and lasted an hour before we were "advised" to take it down. She will fly again when the situation dictates. I think I confused my viewers at home, who expressed sorrow at us having food from home. We're just not allowed to KEEP it like... anywhere. BUT we have a stash, so all is well. Sorry for any confusion. Speaking of confusion, no one knows what the hell is going on. Anywhere. It's funny. We have a winner for the "Adopt a Goth Chick program!



We also have an honorable mention:



I dunno... whatever. Time to figure out how to get our gothchick to not hate life, and cease the whole wrist slashing, cross-burning thing. I think she needs pie. Good pie. Not evil pie. Honorable mention... you had too much pie. No more pie.



NEWS FOR 8-29-2004
So, this is great. I don't even have to try today. I just told my command I was queer, so I'm gonna see how this turns out. Should prove interesting. I hope they don't make me prove it... I really don't have anything nice to write what we're doing, so I'll move on to a higher, more ideal level. President Bush is awesome, and:



I'm gonna avoid any other news in an attempt to not say anything bad. So here's a question posed by my bro back in the states:





NEWS FOR 8-27-2004
Got a lot of mail in from our loving family and supporters, and really, seriously, you have no idea what that means. Everyones put their camera's away, so photo's are scarce. I would however like to note that onions DO NOT belong in sausage gravy, manwhich does NOT belong in lasanga (Spelling? Who cares.) and finally, human beings to NOT belong in the middle of the desert, yet all are found here... I got another cuban in my pocket, that I am going to most certainly need. Already ate the ramen noodles sent by mommy dearest. Voorhees had a small grocery store sent to him, it was hilarious. "How am I gonna eat all this stuff??". The foam insulation spray stuff has a leak, and it made a little foam pokemon guy. It's our new mascot. I aquired a few boxes of chemlight sticks a couple days ago. There is no end to the fun you can have with chem lights, as I will prove. SSgt gave me a pixie stick thats a yard long, Mt.Dew, and now I got smokes. I'm buzzing off the freaking walls here. Screw the Yayo, this is where it's at. I'm gonna go do some pixie stick lines, stay funky fresh~



NEWS FOR 8-25-2004
Been doing a lot of reminicing lately about my first 2 times in Iraq. The first time I was the COs bulletshield, not exactly a great time, but my SECOND time:



The first one is the original Comm Clique, from Al Kut Iraq, before it got reoverrun. The second is us smoking and joking in the Al-Hilla Babylon Saddam Palace. HAHA loser, I used your bathroom. Sgts Lahnen, Seus, and Meece have all become carpenters and are building a shack for some unknown reason. No good can come of this. Voorhees is still traumatized by his Camel Spider Encounter. No one believed me when I told em about these things. I win. I got some 'Bath Gel' from somewhere. What the hell is bath gel? It smells like rasberry chick. Seriously. Gonna try and get our elusive marines on the bios.



NEWS FOR 8-24-2004
Sgt Mitchell had the great idea of investing in the new Iraqi money. Being a straight gangsta, I feel the need to do this to. How does a man become a baller in the wastes of Iraq, easy:



Voorhees had a smoker last night. While manning Bagel Shop (AKA The tower I took custody of), he had a sighting of the unholy abomination known as the camel spider. If you forget what they look like, check out the July archive. He stabbed this little sonna ma bioch straight in the abdomon, and watched it drop 25 feet to the deck. In the morning as the sun rose, there was NO SIGN of the bastard. HOW WRONG IS THAT?? Speaking of FLAT WRONG, the FOXNews feed is all jacked up, so we're STUCK with CNN. Now it's not as bad for me, seeing as how I'm always asleep when the lovely Patti Ann Browne (pictured below, courtesy the fine marines of MCB Courthouse Bay, Holla.) is on:



If the news ain't told by Patti Ann, I don't wanna hear it. I've been told that Blockbuster of J-Actionville NC is totally going to be taking care of us. How cool is that? Gotta run a lotta line today, really not looking forward to that. Oh well, SSgt sent me this pic I had to share:



It's funny cause it's true. Shouts to everyone emailing us news from the states, especially the cool pictures and stuff. I gotta go do work now, or at least make everyone think so...



NEWS FOR 8-23-2004
Sgt Mitchell 3, SSgt 0. The mouse wars are now more or less coming up with Martha Stewartesque ways of dealing with the corpses.



I'm pretty tired right now. Can't even really think of what to say. Borggren got banned from the phone. That was pretty funny. I'm not allowed to even think about talking to anyone female (which was already addressed in a staff meeting by the Colonel, much to my surprise that he knew of my pimp status.) Oh and a new rule of thumb for those back home; the more your marine bitches, the easier he has it. Just wanted to break the illusions. I am totally void of any feeling or energy right now, so hopefully tomarrow there will be something somewhat interesting to put here. Wow, I wrote a long article thingy, and didn't really say shit. I'm the bomb diggity.



NEWS FOR 8-21-2004
So not only are we trying to rack up the mouse kills now, we're ALSO trying to hide the carcasses in mischeivious places. Why you ask? Good question. To answer that question: Don't. I wish I was drunk. That would be cool. I got bored so I seached classmates.com for people I went to school with. Saw like, 2 I gave a damn about. Same with Voorhees. Hopefully something cool will happen soon.

NEWS FOR 8-19-2004
Been real busy with work today. Sgt Mitchell was the first to get a confirmed mouse kill. We definately left it under the porta-pisser lid to scare unsuspecting individuals. Heh. They made us move last night in the middle of the night. It kinda sucked. The pirate flag flys. Pics tomorrow.





NEWS FOR 8-18-2004
The hunt is on. These mice are trying to ratf*ck our chow, so it's time to add to my mice kills from the war last year. Here are the mighty hunters setting their traps:



In other news, we have the Wall -0- Shame! These are people who couldn't make the cut to Varsity, and were doomed to be labeled "Left Behind!"


LCPL PATRICK MILLER AKA "LOST ONE"
Miller escaped a South Carolina special education school, and roamed his way into boot camp. His shame points include wifebeating, crying, an IQ of 20 or less, and his ability no always be broke. Congratulations! You're not here!


SGT SAMMERAH YOUNG AKA "Sha-nay-nay"
This woman spent possibly 15 minutes a week at work. She was a very nice girl to me personally, but our 93 Van team says she went from 0 to Ghetto in LESS THAN 6 SECONDS. Her superpowers include having no idea what the hell she's doing and her ability to sneak outta work. I guess she just never came back?


LCPL DANIEL GRIFFITHS AKA "101100101001"
"I know UNIX!! I know UNIX!! I know UNIX!! I just hit Messier with my truck...." The best quote was from Charlie Company's 1stSgt: "I WANT YOU TO CALL YOUR MAMA, AND LET HER KNOW HER LITTLE BOY'S A DIRTBAG!!!" Or, "TELL THAT SERGEANT HE FAILED YOU. TELL HIM DAMN IT." His call to fame? Teeth more orange than a Top Secret sticker.


1STLT TIMOTHY LEONARD AKA "TIMMMMMMMMAH!!!!!"
Oh my god. This guy. First he found out a girl I was dating was 17, so he spazzed, and sent me to the chaplain. I had just turned 21 for god's sake. THEN, god forbid I dated a chick that gave lapdances for a living in Jacksonville, where those ARE the only single women in town. He was just pissed he wasn't gettin any at home. He made that final mistake though of telling me I was worthless, so, oops, comm wouldn't come up. Oh well. He totally got fired, and I got my fearless leader as my OIC. I win~



NEWS FOR 8-17-2004
Holy crap! Lets start at the beginning. So Sgt Owensby took the Lieutenants lighter, right, so LT goes and beats the piss out of his gear rack with a 2 inch wrench. Ogre decided to put it back together, and tell LT he found it that way, and now it's ascended to all out war. Sgt G kicked a mouse on Levak, who allegedly screamed like a small child, however I can neither confirm nor deny this. I have no pics of any of it, so here's a hadji in a garbage truck:



On top off all this, Voorhees gave me a cool green deputy badge I put on my flak, which was promply annihilated by SSgt with a Hadji-B-Good stick. Let's look at the facts:



So I'm no longer a deputy in the wild wild mideast. I'm keeping my morale up though, DESPITE the evil staff'N'Ossifer empire. Been getting a lot of mail, and feedback. You peeps is pimp yo. I promised a wall-o-shame though, and that's gonna have to come tomorrow. But at any rate, that's where JTF stands right now.



NEWS FOR 8-16-2004
I would say I been busy, but there are a few individuals who believe I don't do shit at work. Those individuals work 8 hours a day and sleep for like, the rest, so it really doesn't bother me. I saw an old picture today I thought was funny:



This is a MiG-25 Foxbat, found outside Baghdad. Leeme ask you something; if these hadjis are gonna bury multi-million dollar aircraft (The 25 is no joke, it's the reason America developed the F16) isn't there a CHANCE that there's a ConnEx box buried with.... I dunno... anthrax? I wanna be the one to find it. The Colonel might give me pie. I like pie. Pie is pimp, like me. Comms kind of shitty today, so to test it, we're taking a lesson from Lt. Leonard:



The satellite is now in Zipadee-doo-dah loop. Sir, we're doing GREAT things on our end, GREAT things. Oh, and my strippers are doing great, they really are. Wish you were out here... too bad. Tomarrow: the wall of shame. Stay white yo~



NEWS FOR 8-14-2004
Not too much to say today, so I'll let the pictures do the talking:





I got an email back from those vegans, they say I'm brainwashed and hope god forgives me. HAHA. I also got some more emails from angry internet chicks, EVEN THOUGH I said sorry cause a couple nice ones emailed me. Self concious much? Levak's pissed for some reason. I'll figure it out.



NEWS FOR 8-13-2004
We totally got shelled yesterday, and yet today is friday the 13th, weird. The only thing that pisses me off about it is somewhere in the confusion my St.Michael broke off my chain. It was a gift from my mommy dearest. I would post pics, but it's sensitive info. No use giving some hadji who looks at my site for intel a picture of base. All I say to them is, haha, you can't hit shit, and:



I got that pic from an animals rights page who says killin animals is mean and be a vegan. I emailed them back, saying I'm gonna eat more meat for the meat they aren't. I guess I am mean. Veal was for lunch today too. HAHA. I'm gonna see if I can cook microwave popcorn on a hummer hood today. Wish me luck.



NEWS FOR 8-12-2004
WOOT! I got taken off the guard force! I'd like to think it's cause I'm so awesome at my work, but I think it's because of all the stupid stuff I've been doing. I never got a chance to put my pirate flag on the tower, my only regret. This just means I'm the stepping stone to getting everyone else free! I AM SPARTICUS! Ehhhh... well... anyhoo, got a lot of stuff to do today. I saw Levak on the USMC page today. He was "gettin sum". Why can't I get your pic on MY site Hank Da' Tank?? Hater. Showers are awesome. I had a dream about MGD last night... it was gold, cold, smooth and good. I might get some time to put more info on here tomarrow, check back, I'll go heavy on the pics~
(You still wish you were me)



NEWS FOR 8-11-2004
Wow, it's another day already. Time seems like it's all one day. I was told by Levak some internet chick he met says my site is stupid and I must be too. All I have to say is, if you're a woman, and looking for guys on the internet, you've hit rock bottom, and should kill yourself, cause you obviously fail at life.



Other than that, I bought a new zippo offa hadji today for 5 bucks, and a Cuban Monte Cristo for five more. Life is good. I did have a really cool story about Cancerous Kool-Aid, but:



He totally ruined the picture. So now, all I got is an apology. If I haven't talked about or put up a pic of someone you know lately, it's because I totally get to see them for all of 5 minutes a day, and I work with them. Time to go toke a cuban, and enjoy life. You wish you were me.




NEWS FOR 8-10-2004
Holy shizzdizzle. So I got to eat breakfast with my second platoon counterparts (That hasn't happened in weeks), and they're all talking about this music video, they've had for days. We didn't know, cause we never see them, so they told me, and oh my god (right click and hit save target as):

Aicha Original Video (About 5.4MB)

So now I think. I'm fairly tired. This video was hilarious though, and gave me energy enough to be glad I'm not this tool. I wonder if he knows just how many marines think he's retarded. Anyhoo, Mike won't get off the damn phone:


He keeps callin some chick named Holly or something. He really spends too much cash on this chick. Definately not a player like me. I'm reenlisting in the reserves. I know, I know, "This stuff AGAIN??" Nah, it's on my terms this time. BUT I found out real men don't say "Poo." That's it. Stay white yo~



NEWS FOR 8-9-2004
So I been busy. I declared my guard post's independence last night, and made it a sovriegn nation. I think I mispelled that. I'm naming my Posts new country Bagel Shop. Seems like the right thing to do. HEY, whats the difference between these pics?


Thats's right! I went all the way to the chow hall without my gat. How silly of me. Oh well. I'm really good looking. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Gunny says so. I think he's sarcastic. Cold water is awesome. My NIPR exchange server is beeping. I think the RAID died. It still works, so I'm gonna let it beep. I'm ghetto like that. I like my kool-aid red, and my RAID beeping. SSgt's gonna kill me.



NEWS FOR 8-7-2004
Damn, I got so tired last night, I swear I saw a giant robot on shift. It blew my mind. I noted a lot of graffiti in the port-o-poopers this morning. Everyones acting real strange. I think it's gas. SSgt Cheek caught a picture last night:

CAUGHT YOU!!! My brother sent me my song. He's almost as pimp as me, and that's fairly pimp. He needs a Caddy with spinning rims. I need spinner rims for the Hummer. I'm gonna work on that. A Racing stripe too. I saw a jack rabbit doing sommersaults in mid-air. No shit, really! It blew my mind. This morning on guard duty. Or yesterday. It's all the same day. Ogre's got vietnam syndrome. Every time the door closes, he says we're getting shelled. When he gets home, he's gonna kill a girl at the grocery store that closes a freezer. That's it. This cracker's got shizzle to dizzle.



NEWS FOR 8-6-2004
HOLA! Busy night last night. I didn't get to shoot anyone... again. Oh well. I need to do laundry. Voorhees successfully destroyed a squash given to us by a gracious local farmer. Bastard. SSgt Cheek wants to shoot something even more than I do. I think it's gonna end up being me. That'll suck. Gy Listopad does too. Actually, JTF is fairly trigger happy. I would be if they'd give me a damn 50 Cal:

That thing will make a nice little zone-o-death. I'm getting chills. I miss my old 50. I named it Lucy. SSgt just wants a nuclear bomb I think. It might be the one weapon he hasn't had yet. Sgt Lahnen didn't kill any Giant Space Ant's yet, but they were probing us again he tells me. Isn't that special?? I REALLY need the song "She" by Green Day. Email me that mp3 for the love of god. They totally put a lot of gravy on my biscuits for chow this morning, so I'm in a great mood. I need a hug. I'm off to find one~



NEWS FOR 8-5-2004
It's fairly quiet this morning. Not very active. I love it. No ones doing anything really worth mentioning, so I decided to mix two things I think are really cool; Pink Elephants and Evil Robots. See below:

Sgt Lahnen is pissed off because the aliens are shooting tracers at us, and trying to use mind control, and we can't do a damn thing of about it. I think he's finally lost it. And.... that's really it. seriously. I started that one sentence with and, and didn't capitalize the next one. I'm too lazy to fix it. Get over it.



NEWS FOR 8-4-2004
They stole our lieutenant. They STOLE him from his home, and put him in the citadel of EVIL (The head post). See below:

At least now there is no leadership within a 100m radius. This is a glorious day. Don't get me wrong, our unit is awesome, but now they have no need to deny our actions. Project Mayhem is in it's planning stages. I would like to note that marines like fireworks, and will make their own if left alone. Marines also like fire extinguishers, inflatable sheep, home-brewed-beer (Waitin on Mom'N'Dad. Wry grin inserted here), and of course, Silly String. I learned yesterday there is such thing as Gourmet Soap. First, I'd like to note I spelled that right, and am thoroughly surprised I spelled that correctly. I'd also like to say, on the record, it tastes just like generic soap. I also want to offend at least one group of people a day. How methodist is that? Iraq smells like piss by the way. Some army guy gave us toilet biscuits in his care package. What the hell am I supposed to do with toilet biscuits in the desert? I'm gonna chuck em at oncomming traffic on my next patrol. Bastards. I had an idea too. Lets capture their insurgents, and cut off THEIR heads until they agree to die. Oh wait, the press got all but hurt when the army took pictures of them no worse than ANY frat initiation on the east coast. Pansies. Sgt Meece just got a huge box of bubble gum. I'm already having ideas~



NEWS FOR 8-3-2004
After hours of chasing, hiring the Daily Sun, and about 3 slim jims, we have:

We got you, (Sort of). Working on better one:



Slowly getting sick of people waking me up for dumb stuff, in fact, I'm surrounded by idiots. YAY! Anyhoo, I'd like to announce here and now that tensions are Icy between Second Platoon and First & Third Platoons. If left alone, this could turn ugly. In the weather, it's sunny and hot, with a high around "Holy Christ on a Pony". I really want to see a squirrl with an afro. I'm not sure why. I Punched Voorhees in the ding-ding twice. I don't feel bad. I'm mean. In closing, I'd like to state that random patrols are not the key to happiness. Thank you.



NEWS FOR 8-2-2004
Everyone knows that I am the fearless, courageous, and braindead member of JTF, so of course, when a challenge is set forth, I always accept. Mostly to my regret. This one ties into "Get to know your MRE." You see, one of the newer items in an MRE is "Dairyshake Powder". Also known as "Turbolax 9000" and "Colon Blow" One of these has the potent power of a box exlax. So when I was challenged to drink four:

Lets not talk about it. In other news, we have word now that we are "Ordered to be happy." Therefore, I would please ask that all attractive ladies that browse my site send letters and pics to:

LCpl Robert M Hanson
24th MEU S6 JTF
Unit 75855
FPO AE 09509-3855

There, my morale is better already! I would Also like to apologize to the Socialist Imperialist Empire of Ontario. Please hang your hockey sticks and oars up, and share in the greatness that is the knowledge we're not France. In other news, I really wanna shoot something. It must be the Jarhead in me. Either that or I need to lay off the Hadji cigarettes. I need to do that anyways. Those things are disgusting. I FOUND MY OAKLEY M-FRAMES. Woot! Other than that, gotta do my work and, DAMN IT, just found out I gotta move again. Holla!



NEWS FOR 8-1-2004
Hola. Weird stuff. Definately thought I saw a kangaroo on watch last night. turned out to be a bird on a rock. Mixing machine guns, me, and stray dogs is a bad idea... Foundout last night that Voorhees is a Bleeding Heart Liberal, but that's OK, I forgive him.

No one's perfect. The army is cool. I promised a picture of Borggren I can't deliver. I fail at life. But I do want to know this; how can a group of people wander the desert, find a river running of piss and diapers, in 140 degree heat and critters the size of small children, with vegetation that has NO LESS than 2 inch long prickers decide, "This is where I shall make my home." ARE YOU RETARDED?? Move to Ontario. It's undeveloped too. Maj DelGado made us retire the fist last night I hear. Can't wait to see how this turns out. Kudos to the Marines in Harrisburg that gave John Kerry the third degree. Keep our honor clean. This month is August, the hottest in Iraq. Not looking forward to that. I still haven't seen any pink elephants. That's kind of a drag. Foxnews has been down for over a week. I'm having withdrals. Someone email me a pic of Patti Ann Browne. Tomorrow, I'll have even more bios, hopefully a message board, and a new segment, "Get to know your MRE."~